Resenting your partner

Resentment, it’s something that can sneak into even the happiest of relationships. Those little annoyances can start to pile up, and suddenly you're feeling more eye-rolls than warm fuzzies. we're going to dive into why this happens, how it can affect us, and, most importantly, what we can do about it. So, grab a seat, get comfy, and let's have an honest conversation about resentment in relationships.

8 minute read

• Transcript

  The story of the path to coldness in love is well known: we start off full of affection for one another and then, with time, feelings fade.

  We start prioritising work, we check our phones while they're speaking, we don't especially want to hear how their day went.

  There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost: that people naturally get bored of one another in the same way as they get bored with everything else: the gadget that once seemed so amazing, the film they used to love.

  Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

  But there's another explanation, dark at first, but in the end, more hopeful.

  The loss of interest isn't either natural, or inevitable.

  The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active -

  It exists, because we fell hurt by, angry with or scared of our partner and because we haven't found a catharthic way to tell ourselves, or them, about it.

  Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress, it's a way of coping.

  We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored.

  This can sound strange, after all we might have no active sense that our partner has been hurting, angrying or frightening us.

  The idea apears laughable or extreme it makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings, neither of which is true.

  But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal, adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

  We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

  We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenceless version of ourselves that lives in our heads and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies, which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed, it's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we're 6'2" with a pointy beard.

  The loving self has a gossamer thin ego. It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.

  You can deeply distress it by interrupting it during the story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch, by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on it's arm yesterday, by preferring a book to cuddling, or being a bit tricky about which channel it should watch on TV.

  Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights but we don't love by adult standards.

  These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to it's tender, emotional core.

  Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happenned, it would carefully explain that it'd been frustrated and hurt, it's voice would be measured, undefensive and charming, but mostly it just stays silent.

  That's forgiveable - it doesn't properly understand what's wrong, it just knows it's in pain and it's driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself which translates into behaviour that looks pretty cold.

  If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd, which is partly why it doesn't.

  There can be something especially humiliating in having to say: 'I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break.' or 'I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control'.

  These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on, but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules The consequence is that the loving self dries up, it doesn't want to have sex, it gets sarcastic and irritable,

  but it doesn't even know why it's like this. It isn't putting on an act, it's confused.

  To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.

  We have to create a forum in which so-called minor, love-sucking hurts can safely be aired without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.

  The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life, but this is not the rest of life

  When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners, we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them and we should have access to a safe forum

  in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation.

Why did I start resenting my partner?

Ever found yourself wondering why you're suddenly feeling a twinge of resentment towards your partner? You're not alone. It's like one day everything's hunky-dory, and the next, you're feeling a bit off-kilter. It’s more common that you’d think.

Resentment can sneak up on us for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's those little habits that used to be cute but now grate on your nerves. Or perhaps it's feeling like you're carrying more than your fair share of the relationship workload. Sometimes, it's a buildup of unspoken frustrations or feeling like your needs aren't being met. Whatever the reason, understanding why we start to resent our partners is the first step in tackling the issue head-on. So, let's unpack this together and get to the bottom of why those feelings might be bubbling up.

What is the root cause of resentment?

Resentment often has deeper roots than just the surface-level irritations. By recognising these underlying reasons, you can begin to address and navigate feelings of resentment in your relationships, create healthier communication and mutual understanding. Here are a few of the common underlying causes one partner may begin to resent the other.

• Unmet expectations

  When our partner fails to meet our expectations, whether it's regarding communication, support, or shared responsibilities, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment.

• Lack of communication

  Poor communication or a failure to address issues effectively can result in unresolved conflicts and simmering resentment over time.

• Power imbalance

  Feeling like the relationship is one-sided or that one partner holds more control can breed resentment, especially if one feels their needs are consistently overlooked.

• Emotional distance

  If there's a significant emotional disconnect or lack of intimacy in the relationship, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment towards a partner who seems emotionally unavailable.

• Unfair division of labour

  When household chores, financial responsibilities, or caregiving duties feel unfairly distributed, it can create feelings of resentment towards a partner perceived as not pulling their weight.

• Your needs aren't met

  Neglecting personal interests, hobbies, or friendships in favour of prioritising the relationship can lead to resentment if one feels their own needs and desires are consistently sidelined.

• Repeated disappointments

  Experiencing a pattern of broken promises, unkept commitments, or betrayals of trust can erode feelings of security and lead to resentment towards a partner who fails to follow through.

• Being taken for granted

  When gestures of love, appreciation, and effort go unnoticed or unreciprocated, it can breed feelings of being taken for granted and lead to resentment towards a partner who fails to acknowledge their efforts.

Signs of resentment in a relationship

Resentment is one of those things that can quietly erode the foundation of even the strongest relationships: resentment. It's like a silent storm brewing beneath the surface, manifesting in subtle yet significant ways. While they look different in every relationship, they can include:

• Passive-aggressive behaviour

  When resentment builds up, it can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviour. This might include frequent sarcasm, eye-rolling, or making snide remarks towards your partner. Instead of addressing issues directly, passive-aggressive behaviour serves as a way to express frustration indirectly.

• Lack of affection

  Resentment can create a barrier between partners, leading to a decrease in physical intimacy or emotional closeness. You might find yourself pulling away from your partner, avoiding hugs, kisses, or other forms of affection that used to come naturally.

• Avoidance of communication

  When resentment takes hold, it can become increasingly difficult to engage in open and honest communication with your partner. You might find yourself dodging discussions about important issues or withdrawing emotionally to avoid confrontation or conflict.

• Keeping score

  Resentment often leads to a mental tally of perceived injustices or past grievances. You might find yourself constantly bringing up past mistakes or resentments during arguments, using them as ammunition to prove your point or justify your feelings.

• Criticism and nitpicking

  Excessive criticism or nitpicking over trivial matters can be a sign of underlying resentment towards your partner. You might find yourself hyper-focused on your partner's flaws or shortcomings, using them as a way to express your frustration or dissatisfaction.

• Emotional distance

  Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected from your partner is a common red flag for resentment. You might notice a lack of emotional engagement or intimacy in your interactions, leading to a sense of loneliness or isolation within the relationship.

• Decreased empathy

  Resentment can erode feelings of empathy towards your partner's experiences or emotions. You might struggle to understand or validate your partner's feelings, leading to a breakdown in empathy and emotional support within the relationship.

• Frequent arguements

  Resentment often fuels frequent arguments or conflicts within a relationship. You might find yourselves constantly bickering or engaging in heated arguments over minor issues, as unresolved resentment simmers beneath the surface.

• Feelings of contempt

  Developing feelings of disdain or contempt towards your partner is a clear indication of deep-seated resentment. You might find yourself harbouring negative thoughts or attitudes towards your partner, viewing them with disdain or disrespect.

• Desire for retaliation

  Feeling the urge to "get even" or seek revenge for perceived wrongs can be a sign of harboured resentment in the relationship. You might find yourself fantasising about ways to retaliate or seeking opportunities to make your partner suffer as a way to balance the perceived scales of justice.

Can a relationship survive resentment?

When it comes to whether a relationship can survive resentment, it's important to acknowledge that it's not always a straightforward path. Resentment can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships, and it's natural to feel unsure about the future. However, it's essential to recognise that while overcoming resentment isn't easy, it is possible with dedication and effort from both partners. It may require some tough conversations, compromises, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. Success won't happen overnight, and there may be setbacks along the way. But with commitment to communication, understanding, and mutual growth, many couples do find a way to rebuild their relationship and emerge even stronger. So, while it's not always smooth sailing, there's hope for those who are willing to put in the work.

Can you love someone and still resent them?

Loving someone while also feeling resentment towards them is a common experience in relationships. Love is complex and multifaceted, and it's possible to feel deeply connected to someone while also harboring negative emotions such as resentment. Resentment often arises from unmet expectations, unresolved conflicts, or past hurts within the relationship.

While love can coexist with resentment, it's important to address and work through these negative feelings to prevent them from damaging the relationship further. By fostering open communication, empathy, and a commitment to understanding each other's perspectives, it's possible to navigate the complexities of love and resentment and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.

How do I rebuild a relationship after resentment?

Rebuilding a relationship after experiencing resentment can feel like navigating a minefield, but it's not impossible. When resentment festers, it can poison the very foundation of a relationship, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. However, with patience, understanding, and a willingness to address underlying issues, it's possible to rebuild trust, restore intimacy, and cultivate a stronger bond than ever before. Here are a few ways you can begin to rebuild a relationship after experiencing resentment.

• Acknowledge and address underlying issues

  Take the time to identify the root causes of resentment in the relationship and openly discuss them with your partner. Honest communication is essential for understanding each other's perspectives and finding common ground.

• Practice empathy and understanding

  Both partners need to empathise with each other's feelings and experiences, acknowledging the validity of their emotions without judgment. Cultivating empathy creates a safe space for vulnerability and fosters deeper emotional connection.

• Rebuild trust through consistency and reliability

  Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. Demonstrate your commitment to change by following through on your promises, being transparent in your actions, and showing consistency in your behaviour.

• Cultivate forgiveness and let go of resentment

  Holding onto resentment only perpetuates the cycle of negativity. Practice forgiveness by letting go of grudges and releasing the emotional baggage that weighs down the relationship. Embrace forgiveness as a pathway to healing and moving forward.

• Invest in quality time and meaningful experiences

  Reconnect with your partner by prioritising quality time together and engaging in activities that foster intimacy and connection. Whether it's sharing hobbies, going on adventures, or simply enjoying each other's company, investing in shared experiences strengthens the bond between partners.

• Seek professional support if needed

  Rebuilding a relationship after resentment may require outside assistance. Consider seeking couples therapy or counselling to gain insights, learn effective communication techniques, and work through underlying issues with the guidance of a trained professional.

• Set realistic expectations and be patient

  Rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort, so be patient with yourselves and each other. Set realistic expectations for progress and celebrate small victories along the way. Remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and prioritise the process of growth and transformation.

Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science

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