How to Help a Hoarder Who Doesn’t Want Help?
Hoarding is an issue that affects millions of individuals around the globe. It extends beyond clutter and is often intertwined with emotional stress, anxiety, and trauma. So, how do you help a hoarder who doesn’t want help?
For family and friends of those who struggle with hoarding, it can be painful, especially when that person is unwilling to seek help. However, attempting to force change can lead to resistance and increased isolation.
Let’s break down some practical and compassionate strategies for supporting a hoarder who is not ready to accept help, emphasizing the importance of understanding, effective communication, and gradual intervention techniques.
7 minute read
How to help a family member who hoards?
Dr Gail Steketee, PhD, LICSW, provides tips for family members of someone with hoarding disorder (HD). Read more about hoarding from the International OCD foundation.
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One of the best things they can do is speak directly to their family member who has the hoarding problem and ask them about the things that they have in the home, and also express their concerns.
They might say something like, "I see that a lot of things have accumulated in your dining room now and that you're not using your dining room table. I remember that it used to be a little bit clearer than this. Can you tell me what's happened?"
They can also ask direct questions about the stuff: "Tell me more about why these things are here. Tell me about these things. I see these are new—tell me more about that."
They can, and that will get them some information about why the family member is having a problem.
Another important thing that they do need to say is, "I'm concerned about you. I'm worried because I can see that there's a lot of paper piled here next to your stove, and I am concerned that there's a significant fire risk here."
Even if the family member pushes back and says, "Oh no, no, I have control over that," or, "I'll move that right away," or, "I'll move it tomorrow," or, "I'll take care of that," they still want to come back and say, "How can I help you with that? What would be useful to you? Because I won't be able to leave today if, you know, if this is still here. This is going to be a problem that I will continue to be concerned about."
So, expressing concern for the loved one is an important issue, and focusing on the harm that is possible is another critical variable. The tone definitely needs to be one of affection and concern, coming from a place of love if possible.
Understanding Hoarding Disorder
What Is hoarding disorder?
Hoarding disorder is a recognized mental health condition marked by the excessive accumulation of items, an inability to discard them, and significant distress at the thought of parting with possessions. Unlike typical clutter, hoarding disrupts daily life, creating unsafe living environments and emotional distress.
Find out more about the early signs of hoarding disorder.
Why do hoarders refuse help?
Hoarders often resist assistance for several reasons:
Emotional attachment: Many items may symbolize memories, security, or aspects of their identity.
Fear of loss: The idea of discarding belongings can provoke intense anxiety.
Lack of insight: Numerous hoarders may not fully grasp the seriousness of their situation.
Shame and embarrassment: The stigma surrounding hoarding can hinder their willingness to accept help.
What not to do when trying to help a hoarder
Supporting a hoarder requires a delicate approach. Actions that are well-meaning can sometimes cause more harm than good. Avoid the following:
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Abrupt cleanouts without permission can result in emotional distress, a breakdown of trust, and even exacerbate hoarding behaviors.
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Comments like, “Why can’t you just throw this away?” or “This place is a mess!” can provoke defensiveness and withdrawal.
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Threatening to involve authorities, sever ties, or forcibly remove items can drive the hoarder deeper into isolation.
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Hoarding is not simply a bad habit—it’s a disorder that requires support.
How to approach a hoarder with empathy
Compassion is essential when assisting someone with hoarding disorder. Here’s how you can foster positive change;
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Demonstrate that you care about them as a person, not just their belongings. Spend quality time together without bringing up the hoarding issue.
Avoid using judgmental language.
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Instead of saying, “You need to clean this up,” try, “I’m concerned about your safety and well-being. How can I help you?”
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Recognize their emotional connection to their possessions. Saying, “I understand this is important to you” can facilitate a more open conversation.
Practical Steps to Help a Hoarder
Helping a hoarder is a gradual process, but small actions can lead to meaningful progress.
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Encourage them to consider therapy or support groups that focus on hoarding disorder. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has proven to be effective.
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Rather than attempting to declutter the entire home, start with a small, less intimidating area, like a single drawer.
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Ask if they would like assistance in organizing specific items, but be sure to respect their choices.
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If the hoarding creates immediate safety concerns (e.g., blocked exits, fire hazards), gently discuss the importance of clearing pathways without insisting on a complete clear out.
When & How to Seek Professional Help for Hoarding
At times, intervention is necessary, especially in situations involving severe health risks or legal issues. Here’s where to get started:
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This can include severe structural damage to the home, risk of eviction or legal consequences, presence of mold, pests, or fire hazards, self-neglect or declining health.
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Seek out mental health professionals, hoarding task forces, or community support groups that have experience with hoarding disorder.
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In extreme cases where self-neglect poses a danger to the individual, social services may need to intervene. However, this should be a last resort.
Helping a hoarder who doesn’t want help is challenging, but patience, empathy, and gradual interventions can make a difference. Focus on building trust, encouraging professional support, and prioritizing safety. Remember, small steps can lead to meaningful progress over time.
If you or a loved one are struggling with hoarding, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or support organization for guidance.
Resources for Further Reading in the US
Local Hoarding Task Forces and Support Groups
By approaching the situation with understanding and care, you can provide meaningful support without pushing them away.
Find support for people who are experiencing hoarding in the UK through Help for Hoarders, Hoarding Disorders UK or Hoarding UK today.
Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science
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