6 Signs an Avoidant Loves you but is Scared
Have you ever felt like someone cares about you but keeps pulling away just when things start getting close? One minute they’re engaged, the next they seem distant. It’s confusing, frustrating, and can leave you questioning everything. If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidants aren’t incapable of love—they just experience it differently. They crave connection but also fear the vulnerability that comes with it. The result? Mixed signals that can leave you wondering where you stand. Let’s break down the signs that an avoidant truly loves you but is scared of getting too close.
3 minute read
What is avoidant attachment?
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be independent, self-sufficient, and sometimes uncomfortable with deep emotional intimacy. This often stems from childhood experiences where they learned that relying on others wasn’t safe or rewarding. As adults, they may struggle to express emotions openly or fear becoming too dependent on someone.
The key thing to remember? Avoidants do have feelings—they just show them differently.
Signs an avoidant loves you (even if they’re scared)
There are many subtle signs an avoidant may show you that they love you, these may include:
1. They show love in small, subtle ways
Instead of grand romantic gestures, an avoidant may express love in more low-key ways—like remembering your coffee order, checking in on you, or fixing something for you instead of saying “I love you.” They’re not cold, they’re just wired to show affection differently.
2. They pull away when things get close
If your relationship starts to deepen, they might suddenly need space. This isn’t because they don’t care—it’s because closeness triggers their fear of losing independence. You might notice them becoming more distant right after a deep conversation or a particularly intimate moment.
3. They open up… then shut down
One day, they share something deeply personal with you. The next, they seem emotionally unavailable. This push-pull dynamic happens because opening up makes them feel exposed, and their instinct is to retreat and regain control.
4. They prefer actions over words
Avoidants may not be the type to verbally affirm their feelings often, but they’ll show it in practical ways. Maybe they help you out when you’re stressed, support your goals, or simply spend quality time with you in their own way. Pay attention to what they do, not just what they say.
5. They struggle with consistency
One of the hardest things about loving an avoidant is the inconsistency. They may be affectionate and present one day, then emotionally distant the next. This isn’t about playing games—it’s their way of managing internal fears about intimacy.
6. They need reassurance but won’t ask for it
Deep down, avoidants want love and security like everyone else, but they’re afraid of appearing needy. Instead of directly asking for reassurance, they might test the relationship in subtle ways—like withdrawing to see if you’ll chase them or downplaying their feelings to see if you’ll still stick around.
How to navigate a relationship with an avoidant partner
If you care about someone with an avoidant attachment style, here are a few things that can help:
-
Their need for independence isn’t in relation to you—it’s how they’re wired.
-
It’s okay to give them time, but your emotional needs matter too.
-
Let them know how you feel without pressuring them to respond in a certain way.
-
If you’re constantly feeling neglected, unappreciated, or emotionally drained, it may not be the right relationship for you.
Loving an avoidant can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. The key is understanding their fears, recognizing their unique way of showing love, and knowing when to support them versus when to prioritize your own emotional well-being.
Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science
Recommended
Featured
Discover the key signs an avoidant loves you but is scared and how to have a healthy relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.