Unhealthy Relationships

Alright, let's dive into the world of relationships – the good, the bad, and the downright complicated. Ever found yourself wondering what exactly makes a relationship unhealthy? Well, buckle up because we're about to unravel the mystery.

Picture this: a relationship where satisfaction is elusive, emotions are all over the place, and mutual support is as rare as a unicorn. That's the territory of unhealthy relationships. They're like that one song on repeat that you can't seem to turn off – a loop of control, manipulation, and just a general sense of "this is not how it's supposed to be."

16 minute read

• Transcript

  Have you ever been in an unhealthy toxic relationship or perhaps you've known someone who's been in one? It's not uncommon to turn on the news to hear of someone who's been murdered because of an abusive relationship. Imagine being a 10-year-old girl and you're suddenly awakened by a loud banging at your front door, and you hear the devastating news that your 19-year-old sister was murdered in front of her children by the man she was trying to leave. Dr. Janie Lacy: I was that 10-year-old girl, and my sister Carmen became a statistic that night. That day, my life was changed, and the seed was planted to become a licensed psychotherapist and later the creator of Women Redeemed, which is an intensive group experience to help women heal their relationships. Sadly, it's not just adult women who suffer in silence, men are too, but they're just too ashamed to admit that they're in an abusive relationship. Research shows that the quality of our relationships, personal or professional, can affect our immune system, our motivation, and our coping skills. Unhealthy relationships put us at a higher risk for health conditions such as cancer, heart disease, depression, and addiction. Sadly, those that are in toxic relationships will find themselves repeating the same harmful relationship over and over, moving from one bad relationship to another because they don't know how to break the sabotaging pattern. Harmful and dysfunctional relationships don't all include physical violence, they also include abuse of language, mental and emotional abuse, such as entitlement, objectification, manipulation, secrecy, control, lies, compulsive behaviors, and a lack of accountability. In order to understand healthy relationships, it starts in our childhood. Our childhood experiences will have an impact on our adult relationships. Some of us have hidden family secrets that nobody wants to talk about. My sister and I were raised by an emotionally neglectful alcoholic father. I saw firsthand how this dysfunctional childhood had an impact on my sister's low self-esteem and self-worth and why she was drawn to an abusive partner. I knew I didn't want this for myself, and that's why I was moved to do the work that I do. It is so rewarding to help adults understand the value of healthy relationships so that they can break the cycle and pass on healthy loving relationships to their children. Everybody has the ability to change themselves if they're just willing to do the work. By learning how to love better, we can all learn how to love better by understanding the invisible forces that shape us. When working with clients, I focus on boundaries, patterns, and belief systems, and this includes main pillars of healing. Healing Mindset mindset inner work and the bodywork. First, let's start with mindset. I asked my clients to create a life map, this is a timeline of their entire life divided into two categories, their most positive memories and their most negative memories along with all of their significant relationships such as parents, teachers, and coaches, and this helps them to start separating their life events from their emotions so that they can clearly identify their core childhood wounds along with their sabotaging belief systems. Carolyn Leaf, a neuroscientist who I had the privilege to interview on my show, she studied and researched toxic thoughts, and she proved that unless we address our belief systems, we'll stay stuck in the same unhealthy patterns, such as moving from one abusive relationship to another, but we can break these patterns if we learn to rewire our brain and create new ways of living. So the next pillar of healing is the inner work, this is about relationship trauma. Not everyone will experience an unhealthy relationship, so the reason behind this is to understand how significant roles of our childhood and the people that played in those roles, how they've affected and how they affect how we function in our adult relationships, such as an alcoholic father. Children that are raised in not healthy homes will experience five main wounds, and they will bring those into their adulthood. Bodywork abandonment abuse betrayal rejection and shame. Children that have unresolved emotional trauma will bring those sabotaging belief systems into their future relationships. Childhood experiences and adult experiences can alter our biology, our thought processes, our behaviors, and our relationships, but they can also be altered in a healthy way. The third pillar of healing is bodywork because we know the body keeps the score according to the research of psychiatrist Besser Vanderkolt. Our body can remember trauma and can hold events of the past. Trauma interferes with our ability to concentrate, to form healthy relationships. His insights into our survival instincts explain why some people that experience trauma in their history experience incomprehensible anxiety, numbing, and intolerable rage, and trauma can interfere with us feeling at home in our own bodies, even if someone has experienced a lot of trauma in their history. We can harness the power of our body to heal our mind and the power of our mind to heal our body. It is essential that this third pillar is developed into the healing process along with the inner work and the bodywork. Polyvagal exercises that engage the polyvagal nerve are very helpful. This nerve is part of the automatic, the autonomic nervous system that manages risk and that creates patterns of connection. Trauma interferes with the building of the autonomic circuitry of safe connections and sidesteps the building of regulation and resilience. So clients that have trauma history it will interfere with their ability to be able to regulate because they experience intense and extreme autonomic responses so it becomes difficult to feel safe in relationships. Couple other examples of bodywork include physical activities such as cold therapy, yoga breath work, exercises like running swimming hiking where our mind and our body are linked together in a safe place can help widen the stress window tolerance meditation which is the act of training our attention can help us regulate our autonomic nervous system responses because we know the body keeps the score it can show up in the form of cancer heart disease migraine depression and addiction it's never too late to heal childhood wounds if we're just willing to do the work we can learn how to love better by understanding the damaging invisible forces that shaped how we were loved we can break cycles of unhealthy relationships when we focus on the mindset the inner work and the body work it's never too late in this case we can teach an old dog new tricks if they're just willing to do the work fortunately i have witnessed numerous success stories of men and women willing to do the work and determined to do the work of the pillars so they can move from unhealthy relationships to healthy relationships and break the cycle one such client she married her first love she thought she found her prince charming and would live happily ever after sadly he struggled with drug addiction and he wasn't willing to give it up and she stayed and tolerated his obsession with drugs for over 20 years until she realised she couldn't help him she couldn't change him only he can do that for himself and he wasn't willing to do so well today she's happily married to the man of her dreams and all that she dreamt of another client he found himself dating the same woman over and over again he would happily enter a new relationship only to discover she was just as verbally and emotionally abusive as the woman he date. Before he just couldn't understand why he couldn't find a woman who was loving and kind well today he is happily married enjoying a successful career and living the life that he dreamt of because he worked on himself and his relationship issues he successfully worked through the three pillars of mindset the inner work and bodywork i think you all agree with me that everyone deserves to experience healthy relationships. And it starts with you and me we can learn how to love better by understanding the invisible forces that shaped how we were loved you may or may not have hidden family secrets but your childhood plays a significant role in how you show up in your relationships.

  Personally or professionally we can break unhealthy cycles unhealthy relationships by doing the work of mindset the inner work and bodywork it is never too late to live happily ever after.

What is an unhealthy relationship?

In simple terms, an unhealthy relationship is a connection between two people that's more harmful than helpful. Instead of feeling supported and respected, you're constantly feeling drained, belittled, or even afraid of the other person. It's like being stuck in a loop of negativity, where communication breaks down, trust goes out the window, and your well-being takes a nosedive. Whether it's a romantic relationship, friendship, or even a family dynamic, if it's making you feel worse rather than better, chances are, it's an unhealthy relationship or has some traits of an unhealthy one.

Why people get into unhealthy relationships

Now, why on earth would anyone willingly sign up for this emotional rollercoaster? Let's break it down.

• Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity

  Ever met someone who's just too hard on themselves? Well, these folks might settle for crumbs in a relationship because, deep down, they don't believe they deserve the whole damn cake.

• Fear of Loneliness

  The fear of being the lone ranger can push people to dive headfirst into relationships without checking if they've got a swimming buddy who's not just dead weight.

• Their past

  Baggage from the past – we all have it. But sometimes, that unaddressed baggage influences our relationship choices, steering us towards stormy seas instead of calm waters.

Signs a relationship is unhealthy

Alright, you've got a relationship, but is it a good one or more of a 'run for the hills' situation? Here are some warning signs to look out for:

• Lack of communication

  You might not be speaking each others language or you might not be speaking at all. Your partner may ask how your day was, and you reply with a monosyllabic grunt. Communication breakdown, my friend! It's like playing charades but without the fun.

• Controlling behaviour

  Ever felt like your partner's remote control is stuck on fast forward? If decisions, your social life, and even your Netflix choices are controlled by someone else, Houston, we've got a problem.

• Constant criticism

  You're not a contestant on a perpetual reality show. If every move is met with criticism instead of support, it might be time to change the channel.

• Isolation

  Friends and family MIA? If your partner's the architect of your social life and you're living in isolation city, it's a big, flashing sign that something's off.

Am I making my relationship unhealthy or toxic?

When it comes to relationships, they can be incredibly complicated and if you are unhappy or just have a lot going on, you may have found you related to or were guilty of some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship we highlighted earlier.

Asking yourself if your relationship is becoming unhealthy or toxic, and whether you are contributing to it is a big step toward understanding what's going on. If you think you might be contributing the unhealthy parts of your relationship, it might be time to have a think about why that is, what’s going on for you and whether you are happy.

That’s a lot to think about, but you don’t have to do it all at once, taking your time to figure out how you really feel can take time - and that’s actually really healthy. Whether you’re contributing or not, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end of the relationship, if both parties want to make it work, there are ways you can work on building a healthier relationship.

The impact of an unhealthy relationship

being in an unhealthy relationship is like wearing shoes that are two sizes too small. At first, it's just a little uncomfortable, but over time, it starts to become more of struggle. That's kind of what it's like being in an unhealthy relationship. It's not just about arguments or tension; it can seep into other aspect of your life. Your self-esteem can take a hit, leaving your doubting your worth, your energy can be zapped as you try to navigate the ongoing turmoil, and your mental health can take a hit.

You might find yourself withdrawing from friends and activities you used to love, feeling isolated and alone. And the longer it goes on, the more it might start to bother you. But here's the thing: you're not stuck. It might take some courage and support, but taking that step toward a healthier relationship—or even just toward being on your own—is worth every ounce of effort.

How to make a relationship healthier

So, you've recognised the signs, and you're thinking, "How do I turn this ship around?" Fear not; there's hope on the horizon. Here's your guide to a relationship glow-up:

• Open and honest communication

  Imagine a world where you can say what's on your mind without fear of judgment. That's the kind of communication that can transform a relationship. So, talk it out, spill the tea, and let the conversation flow.

• Set boundaries

  Boundaries are like the guardrails on the relationship highway. They keep you from veering off into dangerous territory. So, set 'em up, respect 'em, and enjoy the smoother ride.

• Seek professional help

  Therapists aren't just for Hollywood dramas. Sometimes, bringing in a pro can provide a safe space to unravel the knots, understand each other better, and find the path forward.

• Work on yourselves

  Think of your relationship as a garden. For it to flourish, both partners need to grow individually. Support each other's dreams, cheer on personal achievements, and watch your love garden bloom.

Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science

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