Understanding Sneaky Links

Ever had a sneaky link or perhaps you are contemplating one? You're not alone, many of us explore relationships on the DL. Whether you’re an old hand, new to the game, or freshly back on the market, a sneaky link can be a mutually beneficial partnership or an absolute minefield.

But fear not, understanding the secrets what makes these relationships work (...or not) is the first step to making sure relationships work for you. In this blog, we'll unravel the mystery of sneaky links, what they are, explore how they work, and figuring out exactly what you are looking for. So, settle in, let’s unpack the secret world of sneaky links.

10 minute read

What is a ‘sneaky link’?

A ‘sneaky link’ is a term used to describe a discrete or secret romantic or sexual connection with another person, often kept secret from others. Essentially, it's when you're hooking up with someone without anyone else knowing. The ‘sneaky’ part is pretty self explanatory—it's all about keeping things under wraps. The "link" part comes from the idea of "linking up" or getting together. Sneaky link relationships can involve two single people keeping their hookups private, or it can refer to someone cheating on their partner with another person. These encounters can range from platonic to sexual, but they typically involve little to no emotional connection, or at least… that’s the idea.

Why are we avoiding relationships?

• Transcript

  The idea of trying to avoid love sounds paradoxical in the extreme:

  why would anyone take steps to deny themselves an experience which seems

  so plainly positive and life enhancing? Plenty of people are denied love by external forces;

  why would anyone take active measures to sabotage love if it lay before them?

  The answer can only be found by looking back in time. Though we all crave love in theory,

  our capacity to accept it in practice is critically dependent on the quality of

  our early emotional experiences. To abbreviate sharply, we can only willingly tolerate being

  loved if - as children - the process of loving and being loved felt sufficiently reliable,

  safe and kind. Some of us were not so blessed; some of us were stymied in our search for love

  in ways we have not yet recovered from or indeed fully understood. Perhaps the person we wanted

  to love fell ill or grew depressed. Or at the height of our dependence on them, they went away,

  or had a new family or turned their attention to a younger sibling. Or perhaps our parental figure

  was constantly at the office, or unavailable behind a locked study door. They might have had

  a violent unpredictable temper or left us somehow feeling that were never good enough for them.

  As a result, to an extent we may not even have realised, we became experts at independence. We

  came to associate safety with a high degree of self-protective isolation;

  we might have become big readers, or fascinated by the animal world,

  or obsessed with music or computer games. Without quite knowing we had done so,

  we learnt never to trust a flesh and blood three-dimensional human again.

  Our experiences may not have affected the strength of our longing for love;

  but they have heavily impacted our capacity to endure mutually satisfying relationships.

  We may now, as adults, tell ourselves that we want closeness and surrender. We will sob sincerely

  when we lose love, but we are continually taking steps to ensure we’ll never be at any sustained

  risk of finding it. The true terror for us is not that love should fail but that it should by some

  oversight on our part succeed, for this would ask of us a level of defencelessness and exposure to

  another person and to a chance of happiness that has no precedent in our lives and poses immense,

  ego-shattering challenges to the armoured way our personalities have been structured.

  For the love-scared among us, we are constantly at work taking careful steps to ensure that any

  relationship we are in will flounder. We pick partners with an element of built-in

  obsolescence about them, some reason why in the end a relationship with them isn’t going

  to be able to work out: people who just happen to be living on another continent,

  or who are married to someone else, or are impossibly distant to us in age. We beg for love

  from people who - as we know in our unconscious - are guaranteed not to want or be able to give

  it to us. We complain repeatedly that people we’re involved with don’t love us properly;

  the real worry is that they might. To ward off such an eventuality, we keep finding flaws:

  we’ll point out that this one is often late, that one doesn’t exercise enough, that one

  doesn’t speak any foreign languages and this one isn’t sufficiently creative, robustly determined

  to find any conceivable reason why - alas - no one quite suits our needs. If we find ourselves in a

  relationship, we’ll assiduously practise the arts of what psychologists call ‘distance management.’

  When the chance of reaching a truly happy state appears, we’ll subtly discover ways to introduce

  a chasm: we’ll have an argument, spoil a birthday, ruin a holiday. We’ll find we have to do a lot of

  work for an upcoming exam or presentation, that our gang of friends need us to be somewhere else,

  that we ‘forgot’ to return the credit card or tax bill, that our appearance requires a lot of

  our attention or that we’d like to flirt with a stranger at a party who suddenly seems very

  attractive indeed: in both tiny and large ways, we’ll know just how to lower the mood, scupper a

  bond and destroy trust, perhaps not enough to end a relationship completely, but enough to worry our

  partner sufficiently as to our solidity that we can be privately sure things will never truly fly.

  Friends may commiserate with us on our so-called

  ‘bad luck.’ Psychologists will note our superlative skill at romantic sabotage.

  Were this to sound like us, compassion is required. We should reflect back on

  our pasts and wonder at the connection between our fractured bonds with parental figures and

  our disrupted adult attachments. We aren’t like this because we are wicked, we have

  just been very badly hurt. Once we understand how our skill at independence was acquired,

  we’ll be in a better position to see that it has in reality outlived its rationale. We may still

  feel immensely apprehensive at the prospect of contentment but we may finally be able to

  admit that we are first and foremost acting out of fear. Rather than dismissing our partners,

  we may stick closer to a much more awkward truth: that we are tempted to draw away from them because

  we are immensely scared that they might finally be in a position to make us very happy - and that

  simply nothing so unutterably and boundlessly frightening has ever happened to us before.

What is the difference between a sneaky link and a situationship?

Alright, let's break it down: a sneaky link and a situationship might seem similar at first glance, but there's a sneaky little difference hiding in plain sight. A sneaky link is all about those secret rendezvous and discreet hookups, kept hush-hush from the rest of the world. It's like having a covert side hustle in the dating game—exciting, but definitely on the down-low. On the other hand, a situationship is more like a gray area between friendship and a full-blown relationship. It's when you're spending time together, maybe even getting intimate, but without the commitment or clarity of a traditional relationship. So, while both involve some level of secrecy or ambiguity, the key difference lies in the level of commitment and transparency.

Why do I want a sneaky link?

Ever found yourself intrigued by the idea of a sneaky link, that secret hook up that adds a hint of excitement to your love life? Well, you're not alone. Whether it's the thrill of the forbidden or the allure of keeping things low-key, there are plenty of reasons why someone might be drawn to the idea of a sneaky link. For some it might be because:

• You want a bit of adventure

  For some, the secrecy and thrill of a sneaky link add an element of adventure to their love life. It's like stepping into a secret world where anything is possible.

• It's a little bit of escapism

  In the midst of the daily grind, a sneaky link can provide a welcome escape from the monotony. It's a chance to break free from the ordinary and inject some excitement into your routine.

• You want discretion or privacy

  For those who value their privacy or are navigating complicated situations, a sneaky link offers a way to explore their desires without drawing unwanted attention.

• You aren't ready for committment

  In some cases, a sneaky link may appeal to those who are not ready for or interested in a committed relationship. It provides the benefits of companionship and intimacy without the pressure of long-term commitment.

• It's forbidden fruit

  Maybe it’s something you feel you shouldn’t b doing, and you aren’t prepared for the judgement or criticism you think might come with it.

• You want to explore something

  Let's face it—sometimes, a sneaky link fulfills a fantasy or desire that you think not be feasible in a traditional relationship. It might feel like a chance to explore new experiences and indulge in fantasies without judgment or consequence.

Is a sneaky link healthy or good for me?

Whether a sneaky link is good for you or not, can be down to your mindset, some may find sneaky links can feel really good mentally and physically for them, while others might not mentally prepared for a sneaky link, or at least maybe it’s just not the right sneaky link for them.

If you feel like you are in a place where you can handle only having a physical relationship, and a sneaky link feels right, it may well be good for you. But if you are prone you are to catching feelings or perhaps it’s something that may stem from a place of hurt or insecurity. Something that could bring a some short lived joy could also lead to heartbreak.

Casual relationships can actually have some pretty cool physical perks. First off, getting intimate can trigger a flood of feel-good hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which basically work wonders for your mood and help keep stress at bay. Plus, all that action can give your heart a workout, boosting blood flow and even lowering your blood pressure. And here's a fun fact: regular romps can also improve your sleep quality and give your immune system a little extra oomph.

Oh, and did we mention it can act as a natural painkiller? Yup, that's right—getting busy can actually help alleviate those pesky aches and pains. But hey, remember to keep things safe, consensual, and all about your well-being above all else!

How sneaky links work - what are the rules of sneaky link?

If a sneaky link is something you are wanting to pursue, then there’s a few ground rules you may want to set out for yourself and the other person, while you might be ready for a very casual low-key encounter, you’ll want to make sure are safe and it works for you.

• Start with communication

  Communication is key, so make sure you're both clear about what you want and what's off-limits. Figure out if you are on the same page, listen to where they are at, and keep that communication open, as feelings might change through the course of, well… what ever this is

• Respect each others boundaries

  Respect each other's boundaries like they are your own. No means no, and pushing the envelope ain't cool.

• Be honest, but respectful

  Be honest with yourself and the other person about your feelings and intentions, not lead them on if you're not genuinely interested in pursuing a deeper connection. Be straight up with each other. If you're not feeling it anymore, say so (but keep it kind and respectful).

• Keep it confidential

  If you’ve agreed to keep the relationship discreet, refrain from discussing it with others to maintain privacy and respect boundaries.

• Check in on yourself

  Remember, this ain't a rom-com. Keep your heart in check and be real about what this sneaky link really is, and what you’ve signed up for.

  A sneaky link may not lead to a long-term commitment and be prepared to manage your emotions accordingly to avoid unnecessary hurt or disappointment.

• Keep it safe

  Prioritise safe sex, including using protection and getting regularly tested for sexually transmitted infections, to protect yourself and your partner's health.

Why do we catch feelings after a hookup?

Physical intimacy, whether it's a steamy make-out session or a night of passion, can trigger the release of powerful hormones like oxytocin and dopamine. These chemicals are often referred to as "love hormones" because they play a key role in bonding and pleasure. So, when we engage in intimate acts, our brains get flooded with these feel-good chemicals, leading us to associate those positive feelings with the person we're hooking up with.

The vulnerability and intimacy of the experience can create a sense of emotional connection, blurring the lines between physical and emotional attraction. Plus, there's the human factor—we're social creatures wired for connection, so it's only natural that we crave closeness and intimacy, even after a casual encounter.

How to not catch feelings for a sneaky link?

Repairing a strained or damaged relationship can be challenging, but it's possible to rebuild trust and strengthen the bond between you and the other person, if you are both willing. If you're wondering how to mend what's broken, let's explore some practical steps you can take to repair your relationship and move forward together.

• Set Clear Boundaries

  Establish boundaries from the get-go and stick to them like glue. Whether it's limiting communication outside of hookups or defining what's off-limits emotionally, clarity is key to keeping things casual.

• Keep some distance

  Avoid spending too much time together outside of your sneaky link encounters. Maintaining some space can help prevent emotional attachment from creeping in.

• Remember your why

  Remind yourself why you entered into a sneaky link arrangement in the first place. Whether it's to explore your sexuality, have fun, or avoid commitment, staying true to your intentions can help keep emotions at bay.

• Keep it about the now

  Focus on the here and now rather than getting caught up in fantasies about the future. Remind yourself that your sneaky link is just that—casual and temporary.

• Avoid relationship-like behaviours

  Steer clear of behaviours that mimic those of a committed relationship, such as regular date nights or deep emotional conversations. Keeping things light and casual is key to preventing emotional entanglement.

• Focus on you

  Invest time and energy into yourself and your own well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of your sneaky link, helping to maintain perspective and balance.

• Act like a friend—not a partner

  Think about how treat each other. You might want to be more than friendly with a casual partner. Manage your expectations and what you offer emotionally.

• Check in on yourself

  Check in with your emotions regularly and be honest about how you're feeling. If you notice yourself catching feelings, it's okay to reassess and potentially end the arrangement.

Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science

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