Repairing a Relationship

Ever felt like your relationship was a bit like a leaky boat, slowly taking on water and threatening to sink? Don't worry, you're not alone. Whether it's a romantic partnership, friendship, or family bond, every relationship hits choppy waters now and then. But here's the good news: just because there's a leak doesn't mean you have to abandon ship.

Repairing relationships is like patching up that leak and reinforcing the hull—it takes time, effort, and a willingness to roll up your sleeves and get a little messy. In this article, we'll dive into the art of relationship repair, exploring practical strategies and insights to help you navigate those stormy seas and steer your connection back to smoother waters. So grab your metaphorical toolkit and let's start patching!

15 minute read

7 things you can to do help make a relationship work

• Transcript

  We can spend a lot of time in relationships to which we are are ostensibly committed wondering,

  maybe with a fair amount of anxiety: do they love me? Is this solid? Might it all suddenly end?

  But perhaps less time asking the more salient question:

  what can I do to help this valued relationship endure?

  We can fall into an error of seeing love as a passive mysterious gift

  that we are in no position to generate, direct or guarantee,

  rather than conceiving of it as an emotion that for the most part flows fairly logically,

  steadily and naturally on from things we are in a position either to do or not do.

  And, to come to the central thesis, love tends to be a consequence of a

  partner feeling cared for and heard - in the way they have almost certainly

  frequently signalled to us that they need to feel, in order to be inwardly assured

  that they are in safe and tender hands (to hazard a generalisation: most people tend

  to signal their emotional requirements pretty directly, if we are in the mood to listen).

  In other words, there is much we can choose to do - or not do - (right now,

  today) in order to weaken or strengthen our loves. We are for the most part actives agents,

  not passive victimised spectators. The other’s love should - under normal circumstances - be

  thought of as a predictable reward rather than a random benediction.

  There are surely cases where people are keen to maintain a relationship but are then left ‘for

  no reason’ that they could ever have guessed at or influenced (normally by people deeply

  and secretly ambivalent around the terrors of commitment). But in the end, not so many.

  To maintain love, we need more than anything to follow a few simple-sounding rules (that can

  nevertheless be very hard, for what we should acknowledge to be complicated psychological

  reasons on our side, to act upon): 1. the partner must feel heard

  2. they must feel we are on their side 3. they must feel appreciated according

  to their own distinctive love language (this might mean that we need to leave the kitchen

  a certain way or that we have to take their views of social life or intimacy into account)

  4. the partner must know we are making an effort in their name

  5. they must feel wanted,

  emotionally and physically 6. In so far as we are difficult

  to be around (and we all are) we must explain why; we need to give our partner an accurate map

  to our areas of immaturity. We need to tell them calmly and with grace how we are a little mad and,

  with reference to our pasts, why. We must never insist proudly or defensively on our

  normality. ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I’m listening’ should be our two most habitual phrases.

  7. We must strive to remain calm around their most trying sides. We mustn’t humiliate them

  about their flaws. We must become excellent teachers and diplomats of difficult messages.

  If we do all this and a relationship ends without us wishing it to,

  we are entitled to feelings of acute bitterness and grief. The fault has not been with us. We

  have had the misfortune to love someone who was not ready to receive our gift.

  But if it ends and we have somehow been distracted or busy elsewhere, we should wonder whether,

  or perhaps why, we have wound up with an ending we told ourselves we didn’t want.

  We may need to reflect, under the full glare of the truth of singledom, that we might be a lot

  more ambivalent, conflicted or lackadaisical about sustaining love than we have imagined.

Can a broken relationship be repaired?

A broken relationship can in some cases be repaired. You can get a relationship back on track if both of you are ready and willing to find ways to work through it. It won't always be smooth sailing, but if you can talk things out, forgive and both put in the work to build a relationship that’ll fulfilling and healthy for both of you, you'll see improvements.

Signs your relationship is in need of some work

If you are reading this, you probably already have a bit of inkling your relationship may need some work, you or the other person might not be happy, or you may feel the relationship is unhealthy or going through a rough patch. Here are a few signs that it might be time to put in a little work if it’s a relationship you want to maintain.

• Communication breakdown

  ou used to talk about everything, but now it feels like you're speaking different languages—or worse, not speaking at all.

• You keep arguing

  Every little thing turns into an argument, and resolutions seem further away than ever.

• You don't feel close anymore

  Physical and emotional closeness has taken a nosedive, leaving you feeling disconnected.

• You don't trust each other

  Whether it's jealousy, secrets, or broken promises, trust is starting to feel like a distant memory.

• You don't feel valued

  You're not feeling appreciated or respected, and it's taking a toll on your self-esteem.

• You've got different priorities

  Your goals and values used to align, but now it feels like you're headed in opposite directions.

• You are avoiding each other

  Rather than facing problems head-on, you or your partner are sweeping them under the rug, hoping they'll disappear on their own.

Should you fight for your relationship or let it go?

Deciding whether to fight for a relationship or let it go can feel like standing at a crossroads with no map. It's a tough call, no doubt about it. On one hand, you've invested time, energy, and emotion into this connection, and walking away feels like admitting defeat. On the other hand, holding onto something that's crumbling might just prolong the pain.

So how do you know which path to choose? It boils down to a gut check. Are both parties willing to roll up their sleeves and put in the work to mend what's broken?

Is there still mutual respect, love, and a shared vision for the future? If the answer is yes, then fighting for the relationship might be worth it. But if it's a constant uphill battle, where one or both partners are unwilling or unable to meet halfway, then it might be time to let go and make room for something new. It's not an easy decision, but sometimes letting go is the bravest thing you can do.

How do I know if my relationship is worth fixing?

Feeling unsure about whether to invest more time and effort into your relationship? It's a common dilemma that many people face. But figuring out whether your relationship is worth fixing requires some soul-searching and honest reflection.

Let's explore some key signs that indicate your relationship might just be worth the effort, you may not have all of them but if you are ticking a good few of them, it’s a good sign there’s something worth saving.

• Mutual respect

  Both of you value and appreciate each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries.

• Effective communication

  Open, honest, and respectful communication is the norm, even during difficult conversations.

• Shared goals and values

  You and your partner are aligned on major life goals, values, and priorities.

• You've got a bond

  There's a deep bond and sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

• You both want to work on it

  Both parties are willing to put in the work to overcome challenges and strengthen the relationship.

• It's going in the right direction

  Despite setbacks, the relationship has shown signs of growth and improvement over time.

• Boundaries are respected

  Boundaries are respected and maintained, fostering a sense of safety and security in the relationship.

• You support each other

  You feel supported, encouraged, and uplifted by your partner, and vice versa.

• You are still compatible

  You enjoy spending time together, have fun, and share common interests and hobbies.

• You trust each other

  Trust is present in the relationship, and both people feel they can trust and rely on each other

The secret to repairing relationships

• Transcript

  Many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept

  much used within psychotherapy: the idea of ‘rupture’ and ‘repair.’ For psychotherapists,

  every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it, of ‘rupture’,

  when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit

  our love, and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs.

  The ruptures are often quite small, and to outside observers perhaps imperceptible: one

  person fails to respond warmly to another’s greeting; someone tries to explain an idea

  to their partner who shrugs and says off-handedly that they have no idea what they’re on about;

  in front of friends, a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering

  light. Or the rupture can be more serious: someone calls someone a stupid fool and breaks

  a door. A birthday is forgotten. An affair begins.

  The point about ruptures is that they say nothing – in themselves – about a relationship’s

  prospects of survival. There might be constant rather grave ruptures and no break up. Or

  there might be one or two tense moments over a minor disagreement – and things head towards

  collapse. What determines the difference is something

  that psychotherapists are especially keen to teach us about: the capacity for what they

  term ‘repair’. Repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each others’

  trust, and restore themselves in the others’ mind as someone who is essentially decent

  and sympathetic and can be a ‘good enough’ interpreter of their needs. As psychotherapy

  points out, repair isn’t just one capacity among others, it is arguably the central determinant

  of one’s mastery of emotional maturity; it is what identifies us as true adults.

  Good repair relies on at least four separate skills:

  Apology

  1. The Ability to Apologise A sorry may not be as easy as it sounds, for it isn’t just

  a few warm words one has to say, the true cost is to one’s self-love. If one is already

  on the verge of finding oneself somewhat intolerable, then the call to concede yet another point

  – to own up to being still more foolish, emotionally unbalanced, controlling, hot-tempered

  or vain – can feel like a demand too far. We may opt to dig in and avoid a sorry not

  because we are overly pleased with ourselves but precisely because our unworthiness feels

  so painfully obvious to us already – and lends us no faith to imagine that any apologies

  we did make could arouse the kind of forebearance and kindness we crave – and yet so badly

  feel we don’t deserve. 2. The Ability to Forgive There can be equal

  Forgiveness

  difficulty around being able to accept an apology. To do so requires us to extend imaginative

  sympathy for why good people (which includes us) can end up doing some pretty bad things

  – not because they are ‘evil’ but because they are in their varied ways tired or sad,

  worried or weak. A forgiving outlook lends us energy to look around for the most generous

  reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally. When

  this kind of forgiveness feels impossible, therapists speak of a manoeuvre of the mind

  known as ‘splitting’, a tendency to declare some people to be entirely good and others,

  just as simply, entirely awful. In dividing humanity like this, we protect ourselves from

  what can feel like the impossible dangers of disappointment or grown-up ambivalence.

  Either someone is pure and perfect and we can love them without reserve or – quite

  suddenly – they must be appalling and we can never ever forgive them. We cling to rupture

  because it confirms a story which, though deeply sad at one level, also feels very safe:

  that big emotional commitments are invariably too risky, that others can’t be trusted,

  that hope is an illusion – and that we are basically all alone.

  Teaching

  3. The Ability to Teach Behind a rupture, there often lies a failed attempt by one person

  to teach something to another. There was something that they were trying to get across when they

  lost their temper or got into a sulk: something about how to behave around a parent or what

  to do about sex, how to approach childcare or how to handle money. And yet the effort

  went wrong and they forgot all about the art of good teaching, an art which relies, to

  a surprising extent, on a degree pessimism about the ability of another person to understand

  what we want from them. Good teachers aren’t after miraculous outcomes. They know how resistant

  the human mind can be to new ideas. They swallow a very large dose of pessimism about successful

  interpersonal communication in order to stay calm and in a good mood around the inevitable

  frustrations of relationships. They don’t shout because they didn’t from the outset

  allow themselves to believe in total symmetries of mind. When they’re trying to get something

  across, they don’t push a point too hard. They give their listener time and know about

  defensiveness – and as a fallback, accept that they may have to respect two different

  realities. They can in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood

  even by someone who loves them very much. 4. The Ability to Learn It can feel so much

  Learning

  easier to get offended with someone than to dare to imagine they might have something

  important to tell us. We may prefer to get hung up about how they informed us of an idea

  rather than address the substance of what they are trying to convey. It isn’t easy

  to have to imagine that we are still beginners in a range of areas. The good repairer is

  ultimately a good learner: they have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they

  still have left to take on board. It isn’t a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone

  might level a criticism at them. It’s merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough

  in their development to notice areas of immaturity – and, in the safety of a relationship,

  to offer them something almost no one otherwise ever bothers with: feedback.

  In the Japanese tradition of kintsugi, broken pots and vases are artfully mended using a

  gold inflected lacker and displayed as precious works of art, as a way to emphasise the dignity

  and basic human importance of the art of repair.

  We should do something of the same with our love stories. It is a fine thing to have a

  relationship without moments of rupture no doubt, but it is a finer and more noble achievement

  still to know how to patch things up repeatedly with those precious strands of emotional gold:

  self-acceptance, patience, humility, courage and a lot of tenderness.

How to repair a relationship?

Repairing a strained or damaged relationship can be challenging, but it's possible to rebuild trust and strengthen the bond between you and the other person, if you are both willing. If you're wondering how to mend what's broken, let's explore some practical steps you can take to repair your relationship and move forward together.

• Open communication

  Create a safe space for honest and respectful dialogue, allowing both parties to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

• Active listening

  Practice empathetic listening, seeking to understand your partner's perspective without judgment or defensiveness.

• Figure out what the challenges are

  Identify the root causes of conflicts or tensions in the relationship, and work together to address them constructively.

• Apologies and forgive

  Take responsibility for any hurtful actions or words, apologise sincerely, and offer forgiveness to your partner when they apologise.

• Figure out what you want to do next

  Collaboratively establish goals and aspirations for the relationship, focusing on mutual growth and connection.

• Quality time

  Prioritise spending quality time together, engaging in activities that help you find enjoyment and rebuild your connection.

• Patience

  Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate the ups and downs of repairing.

• Rebuild trust

  Consistently demonstrate trustworthiness through your actions, being reliable, honest, and consistent in your behaviour.

• Talk to someone

  Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor who can provide impartial support and guidance as you work through challenges.

• Celebrate the wins

  Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you make together, no matter how small, as you rebuild and strengthen your relationship.

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