Fear of Ending a Relationship

Alright, let's talk about relationships. Many of us will experience fear of a relationship ending from time to time, whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship or family, that fear can play on your mind. Today, we're getting down to the nitty-gritty and discuss why you might fear a relationship ending, signs it might be time to end a relationship, and how to get back to being you.

14 minute read

• Transcript

  Let us imagine that we know what we want – to leave a relationship – but that we are suffering from a problem which inhibits us from acting on our wishes: we can’t bear to cause another person pain, especially another person towards whom we feel a sense of loyalty, who has been kind to us, who looks up to us for their safety and their future, who has expectations of us and with whom we might have been planning a trip to another continent in a few months.

  Perhaps we have come near to telling them on a dozen occasions, but always pulled back at the last moment. We tell ourselves that we’ll get around to it ‘after the holidays’, ‘once their birthday party is over’, ‘next year’, ‘in the morning’, and yet the deadlines roll by and we are still here.

  Our discomfort has to do with the thought of unleashing an appalling upset: they will dissolve into tears, there will be sobbing, which may last a very long time, there will be wailing, uncontrollable cries and mountains of wet tissues – all because of a truth that currently lurks in the recesses of our cranium. We will have been responsible for dragging a formerly competent and independent person into chaos; it’s more than we can bear. It sounds peculiar, but it might be better for us to spend the next few decades unfulfilled than experience even five minutes of unbounded upset. In another part of our minds, there may also be a terror.

  More than we realise day to day, we’re scared of our partner. By telling them it’s over, we risk a discharge of titanic anger. They may scream at us, accuse us of leading them on, of being a charlatan and a disgrace. There might be violence and danger. There is a certain symmetry to our fears. We may tell them and by so doing, kill them.

  Or we may tell them and they will turn around and kill us; kill or be killed. No wonder we put off the news. The reasonable adult part of our minds knows that these fears of killing and dying can’t be true – but this may weigh very little in how we unconsciously feel. Wielding sensible arguments can at points be as effective as telling a person with vertigo that the balcony won’t collapse or a person with depression that there are perfectly good grounds to be cheerful. A lot of the mind is not amenable to hard-headed logic. In an ancestral part of us, we simply operate with a sense that going against the wishes of a significant person will mean either endangering their lives or our own.

  To explain the origins of such terrors, childhood is the place to turn, as it always is when trying to account for disproportionate and limitless fears. Perhaps we are the offspring of a fragile parent whom we loved profoundly and whom it would have broken our hearts to disappoint.

  They might have been struggling with their mental or physical health, they might have been maltreated by another adult. Maybe they were relying on us to hold them back from despair or justify their whole lives. We may have derived an early impression that we had to conform to their idea of us if we weren’t to cause them grave damage, that our wishes and needs could easily have driven them to the edge, that by being more ourselves, we might have broken their spirit. We simply loved them too much, and at the same time, felt them to be too weak, to ask them to take on our reality.

  We can be three years old and, without knowing any of this consciously, have taken such messages on board. And asa result, we might then have learnt to play very quietly, to reign in our boisterousness or mischievousness, our aggression or our intelligence, to be extremely cheerful and helpful around the house, to be ‘no trouble at all’ towards a beloved adult who already seemed to have far too much on their plate.

  Alternatively, we might have spent our most vulnerable years around a person who responded to any frustration caused by another person with extreme anger. It can be hard to appreciate just how terrifying an enraged adult can seem to a sensitive two year old. Another adult might know that this red-faced figure of course wasn’t going to murder anyone, they’re just letting rip for a while and will pick up the pieces of a smashed vase soon enough, but that’s not at all how it can seem through a child’s eyes.

  How are they to know that this person many times their size wouldn’t just go one step further and, at the end of their ranting, pick up a hammer and smash their skull in? How can they be certain that the momentarily genuinely out of control parent who just broke the door wouldn’t for that matter throw them out of the window too. Child murder may be entirely alien to the furious adult, but that’s not how it can strike a sensitive offspring. One doesn’t have to actually murder anyone to come across – to an unformed mind – as someone who seriously might. No wonder we might be a bit scared of sharing some awkward news. Our minds are freighted with fears that stem from things that happened under precise circumstances long ago but that continue to have a potent, subterranean, scarcely recognised and immense force in our lives today.

  By taking stock of the past, the task is to acknowledge that these fears are very real but only in a very limited place: our own minds. They don’t belong to adult reality. The catastrophe we fear will happen has already happened: we have already experienced someone who seemed to risk killing themselves if the news grew too bad – and someone who looked like they were perhaps going to kill whomever displeased them. But these issues are firmly located in another era. We need to take on board an always unlikely-sounding thought, we are now adults, which means, there is a robustness to ourselves and to our dealings with others.

  Another adult is highly unlikely to collapse on us and if they do, there are plenty of measures we can take. We will know how to help them cope with their grief, directly and indirectly. It may seem as if it will never end, but that is a child’s reasoning, not an adult’s. In reality, it will be very bad for a few hours, or days or weeks, but then eventually, as happens, they will get over it. They will recover their good humour, they will wake up one morning and see the world hasn’t ended and that they know how to go on.

  Similarly, they won’t actually try to pick up the nearest axe and chop us into small pieces. They may be furious, they may shout, there may be some ugly words – but again, we are now tall and independent, we can get away, in extremis, we have the number of the police and a lawyer, we can let the fury vent, and like a well-built bridge in a hurricane, be utterly confident that we can withstand anything that will come our way.

  To further lend us courage, we should remember a distinction between being kind and seeming kind. It can look as if the kind thing to do is never to anger or distress someone – and therefore, never to give a person we have loved unwelcome news. But that is to overlook the more insidious ways in which we can ruin someone’s life.

  To stay with a person because we wish to avoid a few hours of unpleasantness is no favour to them – if we then go on to be bitter, mean, snide, unfaithful and depressed around them for the next few decades. We’re not helping someone by sparing them a bad break up scene, if we then deliver a life-long foot-dragging scene.

  A surprising amount of the misery of the world comes from people being overly keen to appear kind, or rather, too cowardly to cause others short term pain. The truly courageous way to leave is to allow ourselves to be hated for a while by someone who still loves us.

  We shouldn’t imagine that they will never find anyone else like us: they may believe it now and might even sweetly tell us so. But they won’t believe it when they finally understand who we are. Real kindness means getting out – even though the holiday has been booked, the apartment paid for and the wedding arranged. There’s nothing wrong with and nothing dangerous about deciding someone isn’t for us. There is something very wrong with ruining large chunks of someone else’s life while we squeamishly or fearfully hesitate to get out of the way.

  Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the trickiest and most consequential decisions we can face. Our stay or leave card game can help us towards an answer. Click now to learn more.

Why do i fear my relationship ending?

The fear of a relationship ending is something many of us grapple with at one point or another, and it's completely normal. Think about it - the idea of being on our own after investing time and energy into a relationship can be pretty daunting.

There's this fear of being alone, not having that constant companion by our side. Plus, there's that whole rejection thing - nobody wants to feel like they're not good enough. And then there's the uncertainty of what comes next. Some of us worry about ending things because we're not sure if we can handle life solo, while others dread the idea of someone else calling it quits, leaving us feeling pretty vulnerable.

These fears might not always be at the forefront of our minds, but they can definitely influence how we approach relationships and decisions. But hey, recognising and talking about these fears can be a game-changer, helping us build stronger, more honest connections.

Is it normal to fear your relationship ending?

! It's absolutely normal to have a little knot of fear in your stomach when you even entertain the idea of your relationship ending. I mean, think about it - you've invested time, energy, and emotions into this thing. It's only natural to feel a bit jittery at the thought of it all coming to an end. We're wired to crave connection, companionship, and security, so the idea of losing that can be pretty unsettling. Plus, relationships are like these cozy little bubbles we create, and the idea of popping that bubble can be downright scary. So yeah, if you've ever found yourself wondering if it's normal to fear your relationship ending, rest assured, you're definitely not alone in feeling that way. It's all part of this wild ride called love.

Fear and your attachment style

When it comes to fearing the end of a relationship, there's a wide spectrum of emotions, and what's "normal" can vary from person to person. Let's break it down a bit.

For some folks, a healthy level of fear might simply mean valuing their relationship and wanting it to last. They might have occasional worries about the future, but overall, they feel secure and confident in their bond. These individuals are likely to have a secure attachment style, which means they're comfortable with intimacy and can navigate conflicts without feeling overwhelmed.

On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style might experience more intense and frequent fears about their relationship ending. They might constantly seek reassurance from their partner, worrying about being abandoned or rejected. Even minor issues in the relationship can trigger feelings of panic and insecurity, leading them to cling tightly to their partner in an attempt to soothe their fears.

Meanwhile, individuals with an avoidant attachment style might have a tendency to downplay their fears or even avoid thinking about the possibility of a breakup altogether. They might prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, which can make it challenging for them to fully invest in the relationship or express their emotions. However, deep down, they might still harbor anxieties about rejection and vulnerability.

In terms of thoughts and feelings, someone with an anxious attachment style might constantly ruminate on worst-case scenarios, feeling overwhelmed by the fear of losing their partner. They might interpret minor conflicts as signs of impending doom and struggle to trust their partner's commitment.

Conversely, someone with an avoidant attachment style might try to suppress their fears and maintain a facade of indifference. They might rationalize their anxieties, convincing themselves that they don't need anyone else and that they'll be fine on their own. However, beneath this tough exterior, they might harbor deep-seated fears of intimacy and abandonment.

Overall, while it's normal to feel some degree of fear about the end of a relationship, the intensity and frequency of these fears can vary depending on individual attachment styles and past experiences. Recognizing and understanding these patterns can be the first step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Do I want to end my relationship, but I’m scared to leave, or am I scared of losing someone?

It's a dilemma many of us face: grappling with the decision to end a relationship while simultaneously fearing the prospect of being alone or losing someone we care about. The fear of leaving can stem from a variety of sources, whether it's the uncertainty of what lies ahead, the fear of being judged by others, or the discomfort of confronting our own emotions.

On the other hand, the fear of losing someone can arise from a deep attachment to our partner, the fear of being abandoned, or the belief that we won't find love elsewhere. Sorting through these conflicting emotions requires introspection, honest communication, and a willingness to confront our fears head-on. Ultimately, it's about finding clarity in our desires and priorities, and having the courage to pursue what is truly best for our well-being and happiness.

Signs it might be time to end a relationship

The decision to end a relationship can be challenging, if you are unsure of whether your relationship feels right or serves you well, here are a few signs it might be time to assess what’s next for your relationship.

• Communication breakdowns

  When meaningful dialogue becomes a rarity and conversations turn into battlegrounds, it could signal deeper underlying issues. Signs might include:

  • Constant arguments over trivial matters.

  • Feeling misunderstood or invalidated by your partner.

  • A sense of emotional distance or detachment in conversations.

• Unmet needs and expectations

  Feeling consistently unfulfilled or neglected in the relationship can take a toll on your emotional well-being. Red flags might include:

  • Long-standing patterns of neglect or indifference from your partner.

  • Repeated promises to change without tangible improvements.

  • A growing sense of resentment or bitterness towards your partner.

• Trust erosion

  Trust forms the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it starts to crumble, it can be challenging to rebuild. Warning signs might include:

  • Persistent dishonesty or deceit from your partner.

  • Betrayals of trust, such as infidelity or financial secrecy.

  • Gut feelings of suspicion or insecurity that linger despite efforts to address them.

• Incompatible life goals

  Diverging paths and conflicting aspirations can create insurmountable barriers to long-term happiness. Signs may include:

  • Fundamental differences in values, beliefs, or priorities.

  • Resistance or reluctance to compromise on key life decisions.

  • A growing sense of disillusionment or dissatisfaction with the relationship's trajectory.

• Emotional abuse or manipulation

  No relationship should come at the cost of your emotional well-being, and any form of abuse or manipulation is a clear signal that it's time to walk away. Red Flags can include:

  • Verbal insults, gaslighting, or belittling behavior from your partner.

  • Controlling tendencies, such as isolating you from loved ones or monitoring your activities.

  • Feelings of fear, shame, or worthlessness in the presence of your partner.

• Consistent lack of respect

  Respect is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and when it's absent, it's a clear sign that the foundation is crumbling. These behaviours may include:

  • Disregarding your boundaries or autonomy.

  • Dismissive attitudes towards your thoughts, feelings, or opinions.

  • Public humiliation or embarrassment at the hands of your partner.

• Loss of emotional connection

  When the spark fades and emotional intimacy wanes, it can leave you feeling adrift in the relationship. Signs of emotional distance may include:

  • Decreased physical affection or intimacy.

  • Difficulty connecting on an emotional level with your partner.

  • A sense of loneliness or isolation within the relationship.

• Persistent feeling of discontent

  Despite efforts to salvage the relationship, if you find yourself consistently unhappy or unfulfilled, it might be time to reevaluate your situation. This may include:

  • Gut feelings of unease or dissatisfaction that persist over time.

  • Recognising that temporary bouts of happiness do not outweigh persistent feelings of discontent.

  • A sense of relief or liberation when considering the possibility of ending the relationship.

• Loss of individuality

  A healthy relationship should uplift and support your individual growth, not stifle or diminish it. Signs of co-dependency include:

  • Feeling like you've lost sight of your own interests, hobbies, or aspirations.

  • Over-reliance on your partner for validation or self-worth.

  • A sense of suffocation or entrapment in the relationship.

• Intuition and inner peace

  Ultimately, trusting your instincts and prioritising your inner peace can provide valuable guidance in making the decision to end a relationship. This may come in the form of:

  • Gut feelings of certainty or clarity about the need to move on.

  • Recognising that your emotional well-being is worth prioritising, even if it means letting go.

  • A sense of relief or closure when you envision life beyond the relationship.

How do I stop worrying about my relationship ending?

Relationships can be a source of immense joy, companionship, and growth, but they can also stir up feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. Let’s explore strategies to ease relationship anxiety, empower you to challenge negative thought patterns, and cultivate a sense of security and confidence in your connection with the other person.

• Open communication

  Building a foundation of trust and transparency with your partner can help alleviate fears of the unknown. This could include:

  • Sharing your concerns and anxieties openly with your partner.

  • Encouraging reciprocal communication and active listening.

  • Working together to address insecurities and build mutual reassurance.

• Focusing on the now

  Practicing mindfulness can help redirect anxious thoughts and ground you in the here and now. You could:

  • Engage in activities that promote relaxation and stress relief, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises.

  • Redirect your attention to the present moment whenever worries about the future arise.

  • Cultivate gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship and cherish each moment together.

• Challenge the way you think

  Identifying and reframing irrational beliefs can empower you to regain control over your anxious thoughts. These are known as cognitive restructuring techniques and can include:

  • Question the validity of your worries and challenge catastrophic thinking.

  • Replace negative self-talk with more balanced and realistic perspectives.

  • Practice self-compassion and kindness towards yourself when facing moments of doubt or insecurity.

• Set boundaries

  Establishing healthy boundaries and self-care practices can bolster your emotional resilience and well-being. This could be:

  • Prioritising activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health.

  • Setting boundaries around your time and energy to prevent burnout and overwhelm.

  • Practicing self-compassion and prioritising your needs, even in the context of a relationship.

• Coping strategies

  Building a toolkit of coping strategies can provide you with effective ways to manage moments of anxiety or distress. Coping techniques could include:

  • Engaging in activities that bring you joy and provide a sense of fulfilment.

  • Practicing relaxation techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation or visualisation exercises.

  • Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals when needed.

• Letting go

  Recognising the limits of your control over external circumstances can help ease feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. This may include:

  • Acknowledging that uncertainty is a natural part of life and relationships.

  • Focusing on aspects of the relationship that are within your control, such as your own behaviour and communication.

  • Practicing acceptance of the present moment and let go of the need to constantly anticipate or control the future.

• Your support network

  Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones can provide validation, perspective, and comfort during challenging times. This may include:

  • Seeking out trusted individuals who can offer empathy, understanding, and encouragement.

  • Engaging in activities that foster social connections and a sense of belonging.

  • Don't hesitate to reach out for support when feeling overwhelmed or anxious about your relationship.

Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science

Recommended

Featured