Reluctant to relieve an experience? Here's everything you need to know
Have you ever found yourself reluctant to relive an experience, whether it’s a tough memory, a moment you regret, or something embarrassing? If so, you’re not alone. Many people feel hesitant about revisiting certain parts of their past, and it can hold them back in surprising ways.
It might be that you have something that we would broudly describe as trauma. No matter how big or small the experience your body or brain is telling you to avoid or is reluctant to relieve, something about it may have impacted you.
According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, around 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives.
Like many of us, despite your avoidance, it may still pop up for you from time to time, or even perhaps every day. If its something that' bothering you, and you'd rather not relieve it, beginning to understand why that might be, how it affects us and how to manage what it brings up for you when it's on your mind can help us better manage or lessen the impact it has on us.
What does it mean to relive an experience?
Reliving an experience isn’t just remembering an experience; to relive an experience is to remember an experience and imagine that happening at that moment all over again. Britannica defines it as, ‘to remember (something) so clearly that the same emotions you felt in the past are felt again.’
Reliving an experience can be triggered by sounds, smells, sight, thought or reminders of the event, and can leave some people retraumatized.
It’s like hitting replay on a part of your life, whether it was awesome or really tough. This can bring back all sorts of reactions, from happiness to sadness, excitement to frustration. Knowing what it means to relive an experience helps us understand why we might shy away from it and shows how facing these moments can actually help us grow and move forward.
What is trauma?
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what is trauma?
A trauma is not merely a terrible event though it is very much that too, it is a terrible event that has not been adequately processed, understood and unpicked. And that has through neglect being able to cast a very long and undeserved shadow over huge areas of experience.
The concept of trauma was first observed in military contexts. Let us imagine that in bed one night in a country torn apart by civil war, we hear a car alarm followed a few seconds later by a huge explosion. Our neighborhood is destroyed, and several members of our family are killed.
We are devastated but under pressure to continue with our lives, are unable to reflect adequately or properly to mourn what has happened. We are forced to move on from a dreadful experience with fateful haste and a lack of emotional assimilation.
And yet the unattended memory of bloodshed chaos and loss doesn't disappear instead it curdles into an unknown interior presence we call trauma.
Which means that in the years and decades ahead, even in the most peaceful circumstances, whenever we hear a car alarm or indeed any high-pitched sound that of an elevator's ping for example. We are mysteriously for reasons we don't really understand thrown back into our original panic. As if a thousand tons of tnt were about to explode once again.
However appalling this can be, psychologists have learnt that trauma, can as easily be acquired in ostensibly peaceful circumstances. We don't need to have been through a war to be traumatized in multiple ways. Umagine a six-year-old child who makes an error in a maths exam and takes the news home, suddenly her father who drinks too much and might be battling depression and paranoia flies into a rage shouts at her smashes a household object and slams multiple doors.
From the perspective of a six-year-old, it feels like the world is ending, there is no way to make sense of the moment beyond taking responsibility for it. And as a result feeling like a terrible human being and from this a trauma develops this one centered around making mistakes.
Every slip up on this person's part, threatens to unleash an explosion in others far into adulthood. Every time there is a risk of an error, there is a terror that someone else will get dementedly furious, everyone becomes terrifying because one person in particular who was spine chilling hasn't been thought about and reckoned with in memory.
The solution in all such cases, is to get a better sense of the specific incidents in the past that have generated difficulties, in order to unhook the mind from its expectations.
The clue that we are dealing with a trauma rather than any sort of justified fear, lies in the scale and intensity of feelings that descend in conditions when there is no objective rationale for them.
It's peace time a colleague is kind and yet still there is terror, still there is self-disgust still there is shame.
[Music]
We know then that we are not dealing with silliness or madness, or indeed genuine danger but with an unprocessed incident from the past casting a debilitating shadow on a more innocent present, as traumatized people the memory of the founding incident is within us.
But our conscious mind swerve away from the possibility of engaging with it and neutralizing it through rational examination.
When we can finally feel comfortable and safe enough to dare look back, we'll be able to see the traumatizing moment for what it was outside of our original panic and our youthful or illogical conclusions.
That it was our fault that we did something wrong, that we are sinful, liberating ourselves will mean understanding the specific local and relatively unique features of what has traumatized us and then growing aware of how our minds have multiplied and universalized the difficulty,in part to protect us from an encounter which was once too difficult to grapple with.
We will realize that it was one bomb that exploded and destroyed the neighborhood and that however dreadful this might have been there is no reason for all high-pitched noises to terrify us, similarly it was one father who screamed at us for making a mistake when we were tiny. Yet not everyone who is in authority threatens to annihilate us in adulthood.
Countless situations will be frightening so long as individual incidents have not been understood and thought through with kindness and imagination, by properly gripping an original event in the claws of our rational adult mind and stripping it of its mystery we will be able to repatriate fearful emotions and render the world less unnerving than it presently seems.
Life as a whole won't have to be so terrifying once we understand the bits of it that truly once were.
Understanding the reluctance to relive an experience
Being reluctant to relive an experience means feeling uneasy about revisiting certain memories. This could be due to past trauma, regret, or simply not wanting to face uncomfortable truths. Recognizing why we’re hesitant can help us address these issues head-on and begin to heal. Everyone has moments they'd rather forget, but understanding this reluctance is the first step toward overcoming it.
We may be reluctant to relive memories because we are:
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Recalling certain memories can bring back painful emotions.
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Past mistakes can lead to feelings of regret or shame, making it hard to revisit them.
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The intensity of emotions tied to certain memories can feel overwhelming.
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Our minds naturally avoid discomfort, leading to reluctance in revisiting tough experiences.
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Your mind have have blocked out memories is a way to protect oneself from emotional distress.
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Confronting past experiences can lead to personal change, which can be intimidating.
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Revisiting difficult memories can make one feel out of control.
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Reliving experiences might make one feel exposed or vulnerable.
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Concern that revisiting a memory might lead to similar negative experiences in the future.
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Your brain is avoiding accepting certain aspects of the past that are hard to deal with.
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Avoiding memories that conflict with your current self-image or beliefs.
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Past conflicts that remain unresolved can make reliving those experiences particularly difficult.
The impact of difficult memories
Difficult memories can have a significant impact on our daily lives. They can influence our mood, behavior, and even our relationships. When these memories resurface, they can bring back intense emotions and stress. However, acknowledging the impact of these memories is crucial for dealing with them effectively and finding ways to move past them.
There are many ways we can be impacted by difficult memories, which include:
Emotional Impact
Intense Emotions: Feeling overwhelming sadness, anger, guilt, or shame.
Mood Swings: Experiencing sudden shifts in mood related to recalling memories.
Emotional Numbness: Feeling emotionally detached or numb to avoid feeling pain.
Anxiety: Increased worry or fear, especially about similar situations occurring again.
Depression: Persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or lack of interest in activities.
Flashbacks: Vivid and distressing recollections of the event that can feel as though they are happening again.
Behavioral Impact
Avoidance: Actively avoiding situations, places, or people that remind you of the memory.
Isolation: Withdrawing from social interactions to avoid triggering memories or emotions.
Changes in Relationships: Strained relationships due to difficulty in communicating or expressing emotions.
Self-Destructive Behavior: Engaging in harmful behaviors such as substance abuse or risky activities as a way to cope.
Irritability: Easily becoming frustrated or agitated, often without obvious triggers.
Difficulty Concentrating: Finding it hard to focus on tasks due to preoccupation with memories.
Physical Impact
Insomnia: Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep due to intrusive thoughts or nightmares.
Fatigue: Feeling constantly tired or lacking energy, often due to disrupted sleep patterns.
Aches and Pains: Physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, or stomachaches related to stress.
Increased Heart Rate: Experiencing rapid heartbeat or palpitations when triggered by memories.
Digestive Issues: Problems such as nausea, diarrhea, or loss of appetite linked to emotional distress.
Cognitive Impact
Memory Problems: Difficulty concentrating or remembering details due to preoccupation with memories.
Negative Self-Talk: Criticizing oneself harshly based on past actions or events.
Distorted Thinking: Seeing current situations through the lens of past negative experiences.
Intrusive Thoughts: Unwanted and distressing thoughts about the memory that are hard to control.
Hypervigilance: Feeling constantly on edge or alert, expecting similar negative events to occur again.
Social Impact
Trust Issues: Difficulty trusting others, especially if the memory involves betrayal or trauma.
Isolation: Withdrawing from social interactions to avoid triggers or to cope with emotional distress.
Social Anxiety: Feeling anxious or uncomfortable in social situations, fearing judgment or rejection.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions: Finding it hard to communicate feelings or emotions related to the memory.
Loss of Interest: Losing interest in activities or hobbies previously enjoyed due to emotional exhaustion or lack of motivation.
These impacts can vary in intensity and duration depending on the nature of the memory, individual resilience, and the availability of support systems. Recognizing these signs and symptoms is crucial for seeking appropriate help and support to cope effectively with difficult memories.
Why do we avoid difficult memories?
We often avoid certain memories because they’re tied to negative experiences or emotions. Whether it’s embarrassment, failure, or loss, these memories can be hard to confront. This avoidance is a natural defense mechanism, but it can also prevent us from learning and growing. Understanding why we avoid these memories can help us take steps to address them and gain a clearer perspective.
We may avoid certain memories because of:
Emotional Discomfort: Recalling these memories can bring back unpleasant emotions.
Fear of Judgment: Worrying about how others might perceive our past mistakes or failures.
Trauma Responses: Past traumas can make it difficult to face certain memories.
Denial: Not wanting to accept or acknowledge certain aspects of our past.
Why do we block out memories?
Blocking out memories is a way our mind protects us from pain and distress. This can happen with particularly traumatic or upsetting events. While it might offer temporary relief, blocking out memories can lead to unresolved issues and emotional buildup over time. Recognizing this pattern can help us find healthier ways to cope and process our experiences.
We may block out memories because we're:
Trying to protect ourselves: Our minds block out memories to protect us from reliving traumatic events.
Emotionally overwhelmed: Some memories are too intense to process, leading to suppression.
Just trying to survive or function: Blocking out painful memories can help us function in daily life.
Or as an unconscious process: Often, this blocking out happens without us being fully aware of it.
How to process trauma
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I was raised in the mainstream culture
where if you feel bad,
you take something to make that feeling go away.
Around that time that I first started to work for the VA,
I looked at the treatments that we have.
I did the first study on Prozac for PTSD,
the first study for Zoloft for PTSD,
and a number of other conventional drugs.
What we found is they didn't work very well.
Our conventional way of thinking about it is not working.
I thought, "Okay, if it doesn't work,
let's see what else could work."
My name is Bessel van der Kolk.
I am a physician, I'm a psychiatrist.
I have been studying trauma for about 50 years now.
The nature of trauma is that something happens to you,
your survival brain makes the first interpretation and says,
is this dangerous or is this safe?
So it's very important to really be aware
that these reactions emanate for your body.
And so, the big challenge of treating trauma
is how do we help people to live in bodies
that feel fundamentally safe?
What was very clear
is that very good psychotherapy is actually quite helpful.
Not to fix people, but helping people to acknowledge,
oh my God, that was terrible what happened to me.
And I need to take care of the wounds that I'm carrying
inside of myself.
This issue of self-compassion
and really knowing that your reactions are understandable
is a terribly important part
of beginning to recover from trauma.
Can I talk about something else before we talk about MDMA?
Because MDMA is so sexy.
Okay.
For me, the opening to a new world
came when some people in my clinic
started to do something very strange, called EMDR.
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.
You ask people to call up the memory
of what you saw back then,
what you felt back then.
And then what you do
is that you ask people to follow your fingers
as you move your fingers from side to side.
And my first reaction was like,
"Man, stop this crazy nonsense, this is a crazy method."
And then I got to see some of the results,
I go like, "Wow, this is interesting."
Wiggling your fingers and full of people's eyes
as they think about the trauma made the trauma go away.
This crazy eye movement desensitization
actually change the circuitry of the brain
to interpret your current reality from a different angle.
This had amazing effects
on people being able to let go of what happened.
They say, "Yes, that's what's happened to me.
And it happened a long time ago.
It's not happening right now."
That was the first time
that I saw a non-conventional technique
have a very profound effect.
And then we studied yoga.
Maybe if you do yoga,
you can open up your relationship to your body.
You learn how to breathe calmly,
you learn to pay attention to yourself,
you get to see how different movements
and different postures affect you.
And so you form a deep relationship
with your internal sensory system.
Yoga, at the end,
was a more effective treatment for PTSD
than any of the drugs we had studied.
But I've yet to see a psychopharmacology clinic
being transformed to a yoga studio.
The next thing that we studied was theater and movement.
And it turns out that playing different roles in your body
helps you to feel that your body can feel differently,
depending on how you organize your relationship to yourself.
When my voice gets too gravelly,
let me know and I'll drink some water.
- It's feeling a little gravelly, so why don't-
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
It's good?
All right.
So, I live in the Berkshires
and we have a great program here,
called "Shakespeare in the Courts"
where if you're a juvenile delinquent in this county,
you have a 50% chance that a judge will condemn you
to become a Shakespearian actor.
That's civilization, huh?
The Shakespeare program is enormously helpful
because it helps people to feel their bodies
and to feel what it feels like to be a king,
what it feels like to be a warrior.
And you get to really have a deep experience of yourself
in different possibilities.
The next piece that I studied
is that you can actually put electrodes on your skull
so that when you make brainwaves
that help you to be calm and focused,
you get a little reward.
We did very well with neurofeedback.
So we can shape your brain
to actually have a different configuration
to be open to new experiences.
And then, about 15 years ago,
two guys came to talk to me and they said,
"Bessel, you know a lot about trauma.
But do you think about his idea?
We are thinking about psychedelics.
What do you think about psychedelics for trauma?"
And I go like, "Wow!
You're speaking for my heart,"
because of course, I'm a child of the sixties
and we dabbled in LSD and psychedelic substances.
Wouldn't it be great
if he could do psychedelic substances
to see if these substances can open up people's minds?
To see that the reality that they live in
is just a small part of the reality that is.
But, I said, "Don't do it.
It will destroy your career.
These drugs are illegal."
And they said, "Thank you very much for your opinion.
We'll try it anyway."
They got permission to do a study of MDMA,
also known as ecstasy or molly, for trauma.
And it worked out pretty well.
Able to collect a large amount of money
to do a very large and extremely expensive study.
Lots of different sites around the US,
one in Israel, when in Canada.
So let me tell you how to study is set up.
After all the preparation,
you have a whole day of taking ecstasy
while you lie on a bed
with two therapists in your room for eight hours.
What we see in the people who get the drug is amazing.
People are able to go to places
they have never felt safe to go.
This is not a picnic.
They see the horrible things that's happened to them.
But MDMA allows people to see themselves with compassion.
All these measures we have
about self-perception and self-awareness just shoot up.
And rather than blaming themselves, they're able to say,
yes, this what happened to me, but it's over.
Part of what has kept me so busy all these years
is how can we find a treatment
that allows the basic sense
of defectiveness and self-loathing to be controlled.
And now it looks like we have found something
that causes a very substantial drop in PTSD.
Probably more than just about anything else we have studied.
But what's important here is that one size doesn't fit all.
Different people need very different things.
What worked for my last patient very well
may not work for you.
Everything is an experiment in life.
And healing from trauma is an experiment.
Managing difficult memories
Managing difficult memories and experiences is about finding strategies to handle them constructively. By actively working on managing these memories, you can reduce their negative impact and start to build a more positive outlook on life.
There are many helpful techniques you can try to help you manage difficult memories and experiences when they come up for you. While some might not be your cup of tea, others may really help.
All of the techniques help trigger your somatic nervous system which helps our brain tell our body we're safe and can rest and relax.
You can switch on your somatic nervous system by:
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Sharing with trusted friends or family can lighten the load.
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Therapists and counselors can provide strategies and support.
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Engage in activities like gardening, cooking, or woodworking that require focus and help distract from intrusive thoughts.
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Physical activity like jogging, biking, or lifting weights can release tension and boost your mood.
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Spending time outdoors, whether hiking, fishing, or simply walking, can help clear your mind and reduce stress.
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Writing about experiences can offer a safe way to explore and understand them. Giving yourself logical and practical advice can really help.
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ngage in hobbies or learn new skills that you enjoy and find absorbing.
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Maintain a regular schedule for sleep, meals, and self-care to provide structure and stability.
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Note down when the difficult memories pop up for you, if you regonize any patterns of thought, circumstance or situation, it may help inform how you can begin to manage, avoid or cut off any harmful or painful thought patterns before you revisit those more challenging experiences.
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Focus on your surroundings by noting what you see, hear, and feel to anchor yourself in the present moment.
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Tense and then relax different muscle groups in your body to release physical tension.
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Be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate through difficult memories.
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Acknowledge and celebrate small victories and steps forward.
Written by Cara Hernon BSc Medical Science
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